Musings of a 'Dom'

This entry was posted originally in response to what seemed like an epidemic of bad Dom behavior that was affecting my damsel-submissive friends around the beginning of the year. As it appears here, it has been edited to remove some of the 'rant' characteristics of the original post.

It is written from the P.O.V. of a Male Hetero Dominant, and it describes much of my own personal philosophy regarding bondage, DiD play, D/s, and M/s relations. Though my focus was on the online fantasy community, upon rereading the post I believe that most of this applies to real-life encounters, as well.

I welcome comments, suggestions, and (thoughtful, maturely-expressed) criticisms, as with all my blogs. So, feel free, and don't be shy.

(The 'Evil' TRU ascends a soapbox, and clears his throat)

This has been on my mind the last few days, and I had to get it off my chest. First, let me say that, as someone who has been away from the online bondage community for awhile, that bondage and every aspect of it is FUN! Almost every day, I meet new folks, and re-acquaint myself with old friends. I've been chatting, and playing, exchanging ideas, and trading pictures with lots of folks in theDiD community. Fun, like it's supposed to be.

So, imagine my concern when, every other week it seems, I run across a friend, or friend of a friend, or someone whose weblog I've networked to through a friend of a friend, ...and they all gravitate to the same disturbing theme. Some damsels -- the women who expose themselves, willingly, for our mutual pleasure -- are, on occasion, being abused by their roleplay partners. I hope that it is not that frequent, but it happens often enough, apparently, for these ladies to feel the need to comment upon it.

When I read those entries, the same thing always comes to mind: "Are you fellas crazy? What, are you on drugs or something?"

The REAL world out there is violent enough. Gents, I urge you to try to understand that women can feel especially vulnerable out there, sometimes, about things that we fellows wouldn't necessarily think twice about. Then, consider how we would react if someone said or did something untoward around our sisters, or daughters, or mothers, or girlfriends.

I'm asking us guys, be we "Villains", or "Doms", or "Masters", to tap into that feeling when we're online in the B&D community.

Nobody comes online to get misused. We can all do that by just stepping out the front door every morning. We come to our respective corners of the B&D community to explore, and express, and experience our thoughts, ideas, and fantasies with other people who can understand and enjoy them with us. We all come to enjoy that in a SAFE, SANE, and (especially) CONSENSUAL environment.

It's the kind of environment that you do not expect to find off line. But, online, this is the world that we construct for ourselves. My sense of it is that this goes doubly true, for the women, especially, who come and submit themselves to our cyber-world of ropes and gags.

Maybe there is not a lot we can do immediately about the outside world, but here, in the online BDSM community ... THIS is a world that we ought to be able to police ourselves. It starts with US.

The following list is by no means comprehensive, but it is a couple of things that we Dominants (Male and Female, and you submissives, as well) might do well to keep in mind:

(1) "NO" means "NO". Outside of the context of a roleplay, or a session in which all parties have already agreed upon their limits, "No" has to be honored. Period.

(2) "STOP" means "STOP". It doesn't mean, "Well, come on, just try it, I know you'll like it." Even if you do manage to talk someone into doing something they are not comfortable with, chances are they won't like it, won't enjoy the experience, will come away with a lower opinion of you, and won't want to chat with so much in the future. Sorta self-defeating, isn't it?

(3) LISTEN to each other. The fastest way to ruin a good online relationship or even a single session is to let the other party know that you haven't heard a thing they've said. It's a not-so-subtle sign of disrespect. Which brings me to the next point:

(4) RESPECT each other. This part probably should have gone first in the list, because it is what the other things all flow from. You should always try to understand what your partner is saying to you. It is not always necessary for you to understand; sometimes, it may be impossible to understand. But, it is always necessary for you to HONOR what they are saying or communicating to you, whether you understand them, or not. In doing that, you show that you honor the P/person, and the role that they are playing in your life, if even for a brief moment.

If this seems like stating the obvious, well, of course it is. All of this is what grown, adult, mature people do in the Real World, when dealing with family, or friends, or strangers we meet on the street. But it's more important in the BDSM world, because this is the world that WE created.

I think we should A/all be offended, Dom(me) and sub alike, when some knucklehead intrudes upon it and makes it less pleasant for A/any of us.



Now, having gotten that off my chest, I conclude my rant, and I retire from the soapbox.


--- The Man behind the Mask of The 'Evil' TRU